As a success and freedom coach I went through some rough times in my life too.
I felt deeply ashamed and inadequate because as a successful lawyer at some point, as a marketing intelligence analyst, political assistant or an attorney I had one thing in common.
No matter what I did, what profession I chose or what project I embarked on I felt like a fraud.
I felt like I am not qualified enough (well, there were always people who had more experiences or more years of education under their belts), unexperienced enough, unskilled enough or just plainly incapable of getting that job done.
I have never told this to anyone because my closest and dearest always admired me, they had a ton of support for me all the time and something like me not feeling enough would sound just silly.
I was educated, I was smart and I knew it so there was no real reason for feeling so powerless, thus bigger the shame.
I had no reason for my own feelings of inadequacy and therefore I did not dare to share them with anyone, they would only laugh at me saying: “You? What can other people say then?”
I felt alone and abandoned in my own world where nobody would understand. I had to be the rock for others with their own insecurities and doubts and decided to shuffle my own deep down into the ground. So nobody would find them, and I could stop thinking of them too.
And I could not bear it either. So I decided to run away. All the time. When things got tough I ran. I change countries, jobs, industries and ended up running my own business without anyone making me feel inadequate.
So I thought.
I couldn’t run away from myself, my worst critic, my own voices inside of me.
They re-appeared again whenever I tried to go big, to do something meaningful or outrageous and brave.
It all comes together now and won’t let me step up into who I am meant to be. Why?
Because it’s me who is saying: “This is too big for me, that project is too risky and I am not sure if I can make it”.
All of my past is rushing back like a waterfall over me. Because I have not faced that one yet. There is no one to get convinced about my skills and capabilities. But me. The trust is mine to build it for myself.
Bit by bit, brick by brick, I have been rebuilding my own self-esteem and deep trust into myself for years and I am still not done. It’s not over yet. It’s a process which I thought was over.
Denying it caused me to spin wheels in tireless efforts to get somewhere. Instead, I am invited to look into: “Who do I choose to trust today?”
It’s never easy but it’s the real work everyone must do to move from their old not workable patterns.
So, how about you? Are you ready to kiss your demons good bye?
Love you all, Andrea
