Why am I sharing all the emotional stuff with you here?
I used to be a lawyer, as some of you may know. And I used to supress my emotions, I did not feel anything for a very long time.
And then one day something happened. I told myself that I had enough of always diminishing my feelings and my thoughts and discount them as not valid.
So I opened a flood gate. Those rivers of years and years of suppressed emotional pain started erupting and it seemed liek there is no end to it.
I felt drained. Confused and not knowing what to make it all mean.
I was told I am too emotional, I am selfish and crazy. And I took it to heart. I blamed myself for not being better, smarter, more effective and efficient.
I watched people gaining success after success and I was so happy for them. But I still kept wondering.
When is my success coming, finally?????
Even today, I reached to the bottom of my emotional self to see what I am still reacting is to is perceived criticism.
I cried my eyes out while running, I could not stop sobbing when my cousin came to visit and hugged me. I felt sorry for myself.
And my trigger gets off with men in general. With my father, who criticises everything, burst into negativity outbursts and talks diminishing almost about anything (you name it: women, politics, weather, drivers etc.)
Today I’ve seen that his (words (as words of other men in my life) make me feel LIKE I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
And then another insight came through. I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW THEY REACT AND WHAT THEY SAY.
The way men talk is just different to how I talk or how I feel about things. It’s definitely not the same way – their cold, intellectual logic sometimes scares the shit out of me. Because I can relate to that so much. I USED TO BE THAT PERSON.
What I get to bring more into my life is actual compassion. Understanding the intention behind their words. Is looking for solutions, perfectionism and problem solving. They are problem solvers most of the time and that’s why I LOVE THEM SO MUCH as well.
That is what allows me to be my highest me. The emotional me who gets to be carried on their strong shoulders.
The way they are brings forth my most feminine sides which I wanted to allow in myself for so long. I craved them and thanks to the balance between us I get to be all those things I want: LOVE< COPMASSION< AUTHENTICITY< EMOTIONS< HEART.
There are no ordinary men in my life and in my connections.
There are men who are up to great things in their live and on this planet only.
Men on a mission. Strong, independent and carrying. Loving and in need of love in a way which only I can bring to them.
Because we all need those both side of yin and yang, don’t we?
I am closing my eyes with relief, acknowledgment for the greatness I have in my life and with gratitude that I get to be the person who brings all those gifts to men they cannot bring for themselves.
I am needed.
I am loved.
I am wanted.
All my love to you all!
Andrea
