I always thought that compassion is weakness.
Not publicly of course. But secretly in my head I was so scared of compassion because well, truth to be told I thought it’s that person’s fault that they are in their troubles.
I was unforgiving and striving for perfection.
In the last couple of days I got to see how wrong I was. How twisted that thinking was and most importantly, how much it cost me to believe in this.
But let’s just start at the beginning. The journey began with my father being easily irritated, reaching for anger anytime he did not like something. I naturally started rejecting anger, angry people (read unhappy people) and I did fight my own inner anger and stuffed it under a carpet. I pretended I am not angry.
Of course not. I was this spiritual person, a yoga teacher and meditation junkie. How could I be angry.
And I was pissed!!! With people, life God, everything…..
Until this morning. The first snow was happily falling on the ground. I sat with my parents in the kitchen and I knew they had an argument earlier today and I could feel my anger come up.
And I asked myself. Why am I so angry? It’s not my business to be upset with them or myself!!!
I felt a huge nod in my stomach resisting any move, up or down. It did not want to move.
And I knew that compassion was needed but I hated the idea to bring some understanding into this situation.
Then, it just melted. I felt the incredible warmth coming from my stomach and a falling sensation like a feather falling onto a snow covered graden. I did not know there is more depth to go to. So much compassion spread through my body. I understood where this anger is coming from and I accepted it.
I saw my parents as people probably the first time in my life. No blame. No needing to run away and hide. No protecting myself needed from the hurtful fist of anger. Just peace.
And then the real shock came.
My heart melted for them and started talking volumes. Pictures of what it desired, beautiful visions of what I really want. Now, when it does not need to be protected any longer it started singing in the most beautiful voices about possibilities and dreams it had all the time.
I did not even know I had those visions inside of me. My heart wanted so much more. Not because it was not happy but BECAUSE IT WAS HAPPY.
I get to create my new vision for my life from scratch. Not based on fears and resistance but based on authenticity, compassion and love.
I wish for you to get to the same blank white space from where your future life can arose like Fenix from the ashes.
With Love, Andrea
